Saturday, July 26, 2003
fun bobby part II
FUN BOBBY: Whad'ya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
i think one of the most amazing thing about alcoholism is realizing i'm not alone. i'll never be alone again. everything i did, i was the ONLY one who ever did it. those drunks - they don't throw up in public like i did. they didn't live on a bagel and 5th of bourbon every day for weeks. their skin didn't turn yellow like mine. but they did. they did they did they did and everytime i remember this, everytime i hear it from someone else, everytime someones knows what i am talking about everytime i have and use my voice i get better.
some people talk about their 'bottoms'. i was i high bottom, i was a low bottom, i haven't hit bottom, etc (i know it sounds sexy but keep reading).
i haven't hit bottom. i can always fall further. i can always take my foot out of the elevator doors and go down another floor. and i always have to remember that.
sometime last september i decided i was done. i had been drinking all day at work because no one was around, and passed out around 2 PM. just crawled under my desk 'for a nap'. after being found there, i realized that i was done, done and on to the next one.
i detoxed myself at home the next night. DO NOT DO THIS. alcohol is the only substance where withdrawl can actually kill you. heroin, opiates, pills - they're way more painful, but not deadly. my brain stopped regulating my body temperature. my stomach started shooting anything it could find out of any orifice. my legs were twitching. the flies were coming.
14 hours later i could barely move. but i felt clean. after all of that, why would anyone ever drink again? why would someone who had a good office job, had 2 college degrees under his belt before he turned 21 so he's not fucking stupid, why would they ever pick up a drink again?
within 3 weeks i was in the emergency room. drunk again. suicidal. and even though i brought myself there, they wouldn't let me leave. i tried every line in the book to get out. i fucking lied and lied and lied and they weren't buying it they had me. "heh heh - game over guys. sorry about that. i'm all better now. no, no - no need to check me in here. i can go now" go right to the liquor store was my plan.
it was 10OCT02. Wednesday. The game was over. I haven't needed to take a drink since, by the grace of God and some excellent substance abuse counselors, and a fellowship of other alcoholics.
it's why i'm blogging for k street. i meet with other people in recovery there quite frequently, and i'd survive without it, heck, we'd all get along just fine without it - you, me, earth people. but if i have a chance to make life slightly easier for people i'm gonna take it. i saw NO solution to my drinking problem - if you had physically restrained me from drinking, i would chew my arm off for a bottle, as badly as i wanted to stop, everytime i went to bed and said "i won't drink tomorrow" or everytime i woke up and said "i won't drink today" it never worked. it never fucking worked.
i guess i'm babbling. i guess i just want there to be some awareness and understanding of alcoholism. i guess i just want to help, finally. i guess i never in a million years believed that i would win by surrendering but i have.
enough from me then. go read natalie-dee's dairyland she fucking rocks.
i think one of the most amazing thing about alcoholism is realizing i'm not alone. i'll never be alone again. everything i did, i was the ONLY one who ever did it. those drunks - they don't throw up in public like i did. they didn't live on a bagel and 5th of bourbon every day for weeks. their skin didn't turn yellow like mine. but they did. they did they did they did and everytime i remember this, everytime i hear it from someone else, everytime someones knows what i am talking about everytime i have and use my voice i get better.
some people talk about their 'bottoms'. i was i high bottom, i was a low bottom, i haven't hit bottom, etc (i know it sounds sexy but keep reading).
i haven't hit bottom. i can always fall further. i can always take my foot out of the elevator doors and go down another floor. and i always have to remember that.
sometime last september i decided i was done. i had been drinking all day at work because no one was around, and passed out around 2 PM. just crawled under my desk 'for a nap'. after being found there, i realized that i was done, done and on to the next one.
i detoxed myself at home the next night. DO NOT DO THIS. alcohol is the only substance where withdrawl can actually kill you. heroin, opiates, pills - they're way more painful, but not deadly. my brain stopped regulating my body temperature. my stomach started shooting anything it could find out of any orifice. my legs were twitching. the flies were coming.
14 hours later i could barely move. but i felt clean. after all of that, why would anyone ever drink again? why would someone who had a good office job, had 2 college degrees under his belt before he turned 21 so he's not fucking stupid, why would they ever pick up a drink again?
within 3 weeks i was in the emergency room. drunk again. suicidal. and even though i brought myself there, they wouldn't let me leave. i tried every line in the book to get out. i fucking lied and lied and lied and they weren't buying it they had me. "heh heh - game over guys. sorry about that. i'm all better now. no, no - no need to check me in here. i can go now" go right to the liquor store was my plan.
it was 10OCT02. Wednesday. The game was over. I haven't needed to take a drink since, by the grace of God and some excellent substance abuse counselors, and a fellowship of other alcoholics.
it's why i'm blogging for k street. i meet with other people in recovery there quite frequently, and i'd survive without it, heck, we'd all get along just fine without it - you, me, earth people. but if i have a chance to make life slightly easier for people i'm gonna take it. i saw NO solution to my drinking problem - if you had physically restrained me from drinking, i would chew my arm off for a bottle, as badly as i wanted to stop, everytime i went to bed and said "i won't drink tomorrow" or everytime i woke up and said "i won't drink today" it never worked. it never fucking worked.
i guess i'm babbling. i guess i just want there to be some awareness and understanding of alcoholism. i guess i just want to help, finally. i guess i never in a million years believed that i would win by surrendering but i have.
enough from me then. go read natalie-dee's dairyland she fucking rocks.
# posted by keith @ 6:32:00 PM 
